Menace from the trees!


Today I write to warn my vast readership of the most serious threat to American national security since Andrew Jackson finally drove the British out of New Orleans (two months after the end of the war of 1812, but that’s a different story).

Move over, Al Qaida. Back off, Chinese hackers. Save your mysteriously locked up inheritances, Nigerian widows. This danger is purely domestic (so you know it ain’t about Obama).

I’m talking about squirrels. Those cute, fuzzy menaces to our lives, health, and families.

Apparently, kamikaze squirrel suicide commandos are training to take out the national power supply. They have discovered how to short out electrical transformers and cause minor blackouts all around the country. The best of them are even able to start small fires by flinging their own flaming corpses into the surrounding grass.

So far, the nation has been saved from catastrophe by one minor factor: Successful squirrel suicide circuit-shorters seldom strike sequentially. (Wow, what a sentence. Say that five times fast.) Rarely relating results rearward to rookie rodent recruits. (Naw, that didn’t work as well, but I’ll leave it anyway for the “rookie rodent recruits” part).

If, like me, you live in a tree-laden urban area, you’ve surely seen these furballs and the flat, leathery after-effects of their attempted automotive assassination assignments. Those are rarely successful, and the would-be villains often change their minds at the last instant, returning to the curbs to plot again.

Or perhaps you have a nut-bearing tree nearby and have been subjected to the constant rain of little projectiles from above. Until a couple years ago, we had a large black-walnut tree menacing our back yard. (It was sacrificed for a garage expansion, better gardening, and some big slabs of 8/4 lumber.) The villainous little buggers would be active from late July to fall, bombing anyone daring to visit the south end of our vast acreage. And they’d leave deadly-sharp shrapnel everywhere. Well, we beat them on that one.

So now, I read (from this morning’s Times, link above) that they are perfecting this new tactic for mass disruption of the ‘Murkin way o’ life. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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